Pace yourself. Which sucks if you thought this could be a more serious thing. Sometimes sex is just sex. And some dudes don't have the decency for a pity, "We should do this again! Getting no message is also a message bbg.
We're in an age where people date lots of people, sometimes all at once. If you're not down for that, you definitely don't have to succumb to being "Tuesday Girl" in his phone. Life is busy!! And sometimes, we legitimately don't have the time to respond to texts. If he left you on read for a day, sure. He was literally busy and probably apologetic. If he left you on read for a goddamn week? GTFO of there girl.
This dude is NOT thinking about you if seven days go by without you popping up once. If you were mid-convo and a certain topic throws him off, give him the day to message you again.
If you meant something to him he would have you in his life during this major loss in his life. I'm sorry. I know it's hard but dont contact him anymore. Write you contacts in a journal. Font send him anything. Virgo Ellie Last time I spoke w him was about a month ago.
And that was when he told me about his mom being very ill. Two weeks prior to that we had spent a very nice evening together , went to a concert He said had a fun time and kissed me goodbye at the end of the evening. I never thought he would end it like that. He always came across as very interested when we spent time together. In the 2 weeks between that I had texted him 3 times without responses. I don't think that was excessive. And somewhere in there he initiated texting me for 2 days before stopping again.
Regardless, although I occasionally think about him he's almost become a distant memory. I was not at the point where I had developed any special feelings for him but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt to be ignored. I was surprised by his actions because he initially asked me out. We used to work together many yrs ago and were familiar with each other which is the only reason I thought if things didn't work out we could atleast have a friendship and I would have been ok with that.
No one likes to be treated as if they don't exist but I'm glad I saw the real him sooner before I possibly did develop feelings for him. Since then I have been going out on dates with other men and let him go. I just want to thank everyone for all your comments.
They have really helped see things even more clearly as I was second guessing myself and his actions as to what did I do wrong and you know what , I didn't do anything wrong. Hi Anon! Please know that most of the time relationships end because either one in the relationship feels they can't give enough to the other person.
I honestly think this guy is struggling with his Mom. If he was her caretaker trust me his Mom was his world. Him wanting to stay in touch with another woman during this time of struggle makes him feel like he is betraying his Mom. I know it is immature but depending on how old you two are he couldn't leave his commitment to his mother.
Thanks Virgo Ellie! I appreciate your kind words. We are both in our 40's. And I do know he was worried about his mom even before her death. He would go visit her in the nursing home twice a week. I think he did do right by her. As for us I don't know if that will change. But since he has had no contact w me in a month I have no choice but to move on.
I do pray for him though and hope he finds peace. I just had to write in and mention that I finally did hear from this guy again. And he apologized for being rude and treating me the way he did. He said he had been thinking about me and didn't think I would even talk to him or want to hear from him after how he did that to me.
He explained that he was really in a funk -- March is always a bad month for him bc his dad passed in March and now his mom but he never should have treated me like that It was no excuse. He even said "I'm sorry ". I appreciate him admitting what he did and for apologizing.
He wants to stay in touch and even get together I have no expectations and have even been dating someone else -- granted its only been a month of dating the same guy but the weird thing is I have not been able to really get interested in him. He is a very nice guy and treats me well. I find him a little boring at this point and am trying to be patient and give it a chance. I am attracted to him but I still always thought about this first guy.
We talked on the phone for an hr -- he was so easy and fun and we laughed like we used to. I tried to end the conversation 3 times but he just kept talking. He said he would talk to me again. Who knows if he will but atleast now I know for sure that what happened was not about me -- it was his own issues as most of you had said.
Thank you all for listening and responding to help get me through it. I just wanted to give you the update on this. The painful part is accepting that everything he told you was a damn lie! I heard you loud and clear dear. It doesn't really lessen the pain but we can get through it with our other sources of support and in time, in another place, with another person, we will be okay.
Be at least as good to yourself as you were to him. Sorry for your pain sunshine, you are beautiful soul. I think it's better to bite the bullet now than later when you are even more involved and susceptible to get hurt. He has the issues not you.. He ghosted you - you were a bystander an innocent victim.. Take time before getting attached. Lack of maturity, fear, weakness, cowardice. Many people out there are not self aware nor compassionate or empathetic to let people know things are not working for them and letting them go.
They take the easy way out: the disappearing act. I'm learning that the right one will be there regardless of what we do. Just because we text them a few times or give them a call doesn't warrant being treated as if you don't exist. The ghosting thing happensa lot now!
It's cowardly and sad that a man cannot just say he's not interested or that it's not a good match or whatever. They just stop responding all together in hopes us women will just go away. But, then down the road get mad when THEY finally want to settle down and there are "no good women left". Talk about karma. I think txt and online dating site has changed things a lot but still, be a decent human and respect others. That goes for women too. Don't treat men badly either.
Ah ghosting. I'd never heard of it till it happened to me. Please don't roll it all into a gender specific trait, i personally could never do that to someone I'm running into many women doing the same thing. Ghosting has become a depressing example of our societies disposable attitude to relationships.
Ghosting is one of the cruelest actions any person can do to another. It's akin to having a person die on you and can be worse. It offers no closure or remorse. It's near impossible to grieve the loss of your vested emotional interest or the person. After months of this woman professing her feelings for me I traveled miles by car to meet her. It went well.
We continued the Internet thing and she moved to a nearby town. We got together a few times again I needed closure And it did give me closure. It also told me that this woman was no where near the type of person she said she was. I'm currently about to end another 8 month Internet relationship. It has prevented me from going on a few "real" dates because I'm monogamous. I'm simply going to text her and state that were friends and out of respect I'm telling her I'm starting to date again.
At 56 I'm stoic and old enough to know that there's no time for silly mating games anymore At heart I'm a hopeful romantic. My new thoughts on Internet dating Even dating sites are ripe. Its not gotten easier to meet good people He only wanted to hang out on occasional evenings, routinely made plans without following through on them, was never where he said he was, yet still referred to me as his girlfriend when we met someone he knew.
He was physical, I emotional. He wanted convenience; I wanted something that swept me off my feet. I would find myself constantly asking for advice, yet always heard the same thing over and over. Get out of there. My excuses remained the same. He works all day. Ignorance at its finest. It was the dishonesty I felt behind it. He seemed to know exactly what to say to get me to stay. I made sure I was always there for him when he needed me, listened to him, even surprised him at work with coffee, putting myself out there, hoping that he would one day reciprocate.
He only talked about himself during our conversations, and when it came time for me to share, he seemed distant and uninterested in what came out of my mouth. He was bound to a different city in the fall, and with his lack of communicating there was a deep nagging feeling that it was only a short time before I had my heart broken again. I could only draw one conclusion: I had been treated like that so many times before, I expected it.
And I believed it was all I had to look forward to. But one day I surprised myself. I became more independent. I began to pull away from him. I know I sound angry - and so I should - but believe me when I say you are allowing him to be abusive. Take Care and do your research. I know two years is a long time to invest but it is better then two years and one day with someone who doesn't care how his actions affect you.
Saffron: Ouch, but you are probably right. So, since you have experience with this, what is your take on this email We are either completely in love with each other and can't stop or we are fighting.
I am tired of fighting. So when it felt like we were headed in that direction I just shut down. Probably not the best way to handle, but the way I handle a lot of things.
I'm sorry I didn't handle this better, but it is the way that I am. Hope you are doing well. Some guys are just a bit weak to let out their emotions, he is just looking for space and you should give it to him.
Weeeeelll, I definitely like this answer better! Lol, but am not ruling out the possibility of the other answers either. Guess I'll just go NC and see what happens.
Thanks for all your answers thus far everyone but feel free to give more! I appreciate y'all. I hate to say it I mean this with the best of intentions , but that is a break-up e-mail, and your confusion highlights a major difference between men and women. As a woman, reading something like this makes you want to talk it out-surely there can be some resolve, right?
But a lot of men don't think that way. When most men decide that they are "done", they are D-O-N-E and there is nothing that can be said that will make them change their minds for a long time For emotionally weaker men, they sometimes have to put a barrier in place like an e-mail , because they know if they see you in person, they may fall back into a relationship when they're trying to get out.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but he cannot commit to you right now maybe he will in the future, but you can't predict that , so it's best that you move on. My ex never wanted to break-up with me, but it's what he felt like he needed at the time so he can be alone and deal with his depression.
I got a very similar letter from him Who knows, maybe someday, he will return. But for now, for my own sanity, I need to act like he isn't. Maybe after 4 or 5 months of NC, I will try to reach out again. The best course of action again is to respond positively accepting his decision, telling him that you care, etc. Then, just adhere to NC, learn from this, heal, and when you're ready, move on with someone who will treat you right.
If he comes back, then you can cross that road when you get there. If not, you will eventually be with someone who treats you like gold Well said Saffron. My ex has the kindest heart- but one he fell deep into his depression, it was hard for him to see himself from the outside.
I allowed my ex to keep me in "limbo" for 8 months It was one of those "don't contact me, I'll contact you" scenarios. I know he didn't mean to be emotionally abusive, but he was at that time. And the more he pushed me away, the more I tried to cater to him, and the more it brought me down. So far down that I couldn't take my med school boards. Again, I don't think he did this with malice he truly is a great guy , but depression is a monster that needs to be tamed.
The last time we spoke was a couple of days after I missed my med school boards. He asked me why I was sticking around an additional year. I said, "You know how you've said in this process that you don't worry about hurting my feelings because I always 'bounce back'? Well, this time, I couldn't- I missed my med school boards because I was so devastated by all of this. With that said, I want you to know that I'm not upset at you and I don't want you to feel guilty. That's because I am going to do something utterly incredible with my extra year".
I'm not sure how he felt about that, but I meant every word of it. Starla- please don't allow this to consume you any more. I don't want you to go through the misery that I did.
Because you know what? Once I started accepting the situation at face-value I was not wanted for the time being , my life turned around for the best. I now feel like I'm in a win-win situation: if my ex comes back, then great! Hopefully we'll be single and ready to work on our relationship or at least a friendship, if at least one of us is taken. And if not, at least I can say I did everything I could to move forward. Yes mine also did the "I can't see us working but I don't want a divorce'.???
So over the past month or so maybe longer than that we have been going one of two ways. The question is - do you ever feel like these fights are resolved or just ignored until next time? If they are resolved does he then do what he says he is going to do? Are the fights because he gets angry when you have a 'feeling', 'opinion' or 'view' that you are trying to get him to validate or understand?
Can he ever listen to your side without it turning into a fight? He doesn't want to hear your views hence shuts down the conversation before that happens.
This is also a nifty way of blaming you for always arguing!! This indicates you either never argue with him again or put up with the silent treatment everytime a conflict arises he cannot 'deal' maturely with.
Conflict is normal and can be good for a relationship if handled with respect listening and no name calling etc and can move the relatiohsip forward. Silent treatment and shutting down will see a long line of conflicts never resolved. He is not interested in changing. He is saying he is not interested in working anything out that will take negotiation or talking like adults and resolution..
He is also saying this is how I am - I am not changing so YOU better change if we are going to stop arguing and i am going to be with you. The i love you and doing well bit - is just a way to leave the door open - in case you cave and you beg him to love you and twist yourself into a pretzel for him. Believe me is he saw you do this and knew he could get away with it - he would.
You have done a good job of going no contact. If this sounds or feels like to you how the conflicts go in this relationship then i am afraid it will never get any better. Especially as he has not given a time to talk, gain closure or work it out maturely when is head is 'unclear', again.
That is what real men do. Limbo is cruel and abusive. Believe me when I say - I think he realised that you were no push over and stood your ground to have your own opinion and in his world this means "fight" instead of 'explore' and 'discuss'.
When he saw this - he left. Beware when this happens - that's how you manage to go twenty years without ever resolving a conflict or having your opinion or feelings validated or heard. He has said he will not change - this is how he is.
A manchild. Is this really want you want to deal with for the rest of your life? I got broken up with and didn't even know it? He must think I'm the most pathetic person on the planet because when I first got this I thought he was just explaining what happened and now was ok, so I wrote back all like "Hey, I don't want to fight either!
So let's just not fight from now on, ok? How was work today? Some of your comments are spot on in our situation and some aren't--but I won't go into the whole back story of why and bore you. Basically we used to "argue" really well and yes he did listen to my feelings, validate them and try understand them. He actually put a lot of effort into it.
I think obstacles beyond our control mainly the distance have just strained everything so much that he no longer is willing to put all that effort in. He is, exactly as he said, literally tired of fighting. Anyway you have given me a lot to think about and I truly truly appreciate the time you've taken for me. Unfortunately, his non-response says it all Yes, he did break-up with you.
And no, you weren't pathetic-- how are you supposed to know this was the end of a 2 year relationship? It's certainly not the normal way to end things. It's not only cowardly, but everybody knows that it's hard to take something as serious as a break-up all that seriously when it's written in an e-mail. I know you guys were long distance, but geeze, at least a phone call would've been nice I know it seems crazy that you didn't "realize it" I didn't either when I got my break-up e-mail , but you hit the nail on the head-- he's a "loooooooser" for sending you off like that.
He just didn't want the conversation because he's emotionally too weak. It's messed up that our exes would do that, but they're weak and we deserve more. Ha, I just went back to my break-up e-mail, and I noticed that I had forwarded it to my best girlfriend and wrote, "I can't tell you how disappointed I am.
So pathetic. So when you start feeling bad about the whole thing, just remember that he was so cowardly that he had to dump you via e-mail. Your initial impression was correct: he is a looooooser. Nothing more. I couldn't agree with you more. For almost all of , I've been trying to bend into that "pretzel" that you refer to. It couldn't be more mind boggling to me.
I know it's not in my imagination, because my therapist and the people I'm dating now are always telling me that I'm not aggressive enough I'm that stereotypical "nice" girl, so I often get taken advantage of Even up until a few days ago, I was thinking, "how can I change to make him happy?
Then I realized 1. Of course, I'll always continue improving myself, but I'm done "changing", if that makes sense. I truly hope that our exes work themselves for their own sakes, but change is hard. Not only do you need to be willing to change i. But we can't wait for them-- time for us to strive for something better.Starla, Believe me when I say he is doing it to you right now - "we got in a fight and now he won't respond to me. I've texted him once a day the first four days or so, then once a week or so since then (it's now been six weeks).". If you let him do this - his behaviour and what you show you are willing to accept will get worse over time.